I just reread my post from November 2012. 2012!  And now, here it is almost two years later and I still like I’m wresting with the same thing.  The same feelings of displacement.  It’s like I can’t find a comfy place to be me.  Or, more appropriately, who “me” really is.

I feel haunted by mother.  While her death in January 2013 was a relief (certainly to me and very likely to her) I still feel trapped by the pull of our relationship.  A lifetime enmeshed with a toxic parent who you love and hate.  I have always like to believe that she had little effect on me.  Somehow I had escaped and she had left no mark.  When she died, I initially felt free.  Free from the responsibility.  Free from the regular and increasing demands.  Free from the guilt.  Free from having to think about her…how she is, what she needs, what she thinks.

And that was true to an extent.  But the mind unfolds as we let go.  One thing is cast adrift only to reveal more beneath.  So there she lies in wait.  I know (don’t I?) that I’m not my mother, not that like my mother but what if…  What if I grow old like her?  What if I do the same things I decried in her?  I’ve feared infirmity my whole life because who would take care of ME?  If I wasn’t caring for others, if I had “nothing to offer” then I would be abandoned?

Now I’ve compounded all that by worrying that I’m just going to spend the next 5? 10? 20? 30 years?  still trying to feel okay about myself.  Here’s what I’m going to aspire to:  to be okay doing nothing.  To be okay without the drama.  To be okay without a story.  To feel valued and valuable just for holding my space in the world.

I’m hoping that I won’t be reading this post in two years and still be in the same space.  I will try.

I have come to hate that phrase.  A “meaningful life.”  What is that supposed to be?  And is it really important to pursue one?  And meaningful to whom?  Do we have to justify our existence somehow?

I think we forget that we are creatures just like all living things on the earth.  We, as individuals, don’t have some master plan of what must be accomplished during our lifetimes.  We do.  We interact.  We work.  We play.  That’s pretty much it.

Even people we believe have made huge contributions to our culture, society, world (Einstein?  Galileo?  Michelangelo?) were just people.  People with their own demons, problems, joys and sorrows.  They were seekers, I imagine, of some greater truth and, perhaps, having found it they were happier.  But Galileo…I doubt he felt very fulfilled after his persecution.  Michelangelo wanted to be a sculptor but had to produce paintings to make a living.  Einstein has always seemed like a guy who enjoyed life but who knows?

Or, are we supposed to devote our lives to the service of others?  Is that meaningful?  I’m certainly a believer in kindness and compassion.  Of reaching out a helping hand to others but should I be doing more?  And what would that more look like?  Is it giving money?  Time?  Something else?  And then I just get exhausted if it’s something else because, shit, I’m no kid anymore.  Do I really want to organize something?  Be responsible for yet another thing?  Not really.

For a while I’ve felt that maybe art in some form is my bag.  I really enjoy making stuff but, after a while, it becomes more of a “what am I going to do with this thing?”  I have more crap than any one human being could ever need or use (although I truly feel I’ve done my part to support the economy).  But, for me, part of making art is making it for an audience. For sharing with others.  I’m never going to be an Artist (the capital ‘A’ indicating someone who makes their living or part of their living doing art).  I’m not that good and I don’t have the energy (or, probably, talent…whatever that is) to become that good.  And, let’s face it, that’s no easy row to hoe.

After having worked myself into a state of ridiculous anxiety and now, through the wonder of modern anti-depressants, feeling much better, I have to wonder.  I spent most of the Thanksgiving weekend lolling around.  Mostly reading.  Doing some puzzles.  Just hanging out doing not much of anything.  And it was wonderful except for the gnawing guilt.

I have had (and still have) a career as a “professional.”  Lucky enough to do something I really enjoyed and am good at.  But, now, it’s just a job.  Something I do because I need the money.  I still (mostly) like what I do but after 25 years…well, everything gets old. I feel kind of adrift.  Do I need goals?  Do I need purpose?  I feel like it’s wrong somehow to just spend time doing nothing much.

But, really, I look at our pets (and, yes, I know I’m not a dog or cat) or even wild animals.  They seem to spend a lot of time doing nothing.  Sleeping.  Grooming maybe.  Hanging out with others.  Finding food.  Are we really so different?  Has all this agriculture, urbanization, technology really made things better for us?  Or is it just driving us to believe that we must be constantly engaged?  Constantly doing?

I’m taking a break from a Meaningful Life.  It’s my life. I can have goals or not.  I can do or not.  There may be consequences of course.  There always are consequences.  But I’m ready to find out.  I just want to live and enjoy living whatever that turns out to mean.

When my mother was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease 2 years ago I thought I understood what that meant.  But I didn’t.  I don’t think anyone can until you really see what it’s like.

My mother is no spring chicken.  She’s 90 now so she was 88 then.  But, looking back, I see that there were signs even years before it became so bad that it couldn’t be covered up or ignored.  I have seen my mother once a week, every week, for the last 15 years.  She started seeming increasingly forgetful.  Couldn’t remember words sometimes or people’s names.  Then she started having trouble with numbers.  She couldn’t really add them up anymore.  She was always technically challenged but I would try.  I got her a laptop so she could play solitaire  and see pictures.  She was trying to type and couldn’t figure out how to make a capital letter.  This is a woman who was a typist and secretary for 30 years.  When I told her “hold down the shift key and type the letter” she looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language.

But still I thought, “she’s getting old.” Then she started getting more forgetful.  Telling me the same thing several times during a visit.  She’s always been emotionally difficult.  Crying and weeping at the drop of a hat.  But it got worse.  Finally, I said, “mom you’re memory seems to be getting worse.  I think we should talk to the doctor about it.”  She was resistant, claiming it’s all part of getting older.  So I made an appointment, picked her up and as we entered the office she looked at me and said, “why am I here?”  I said, “for your memory” and we both laughed.  No one’s laughing now.

The doctor did a mental evaluation test and determined that she had “mild to moderate” Alzheimer’s.  There’s no blood test for Alzheimer’s.  It’s more an assessment by a professional.  The doctor suggested that she try Aricept which is pretty much the only medication available for slowing the progress of Alzheimer’s.  Unfortunately, it can have significant side effects.  She spent 10 days puking at which point we gave up on that.

She continued living in her apartment in a senior living building and, after a while, I took over all her finances.  Then I increased the level of care she received so that people managed her daily medications.  She became physically more frail and could no longer walk without a cane.  She kept taking falls so I got her a walker and a power chair.  She liked the power chair and would zoom crazily down the halls.

I started getting regular hysterical phone calls that she “wants to die.  You have to bring me a pill. I can’t do this anymore.”  It was heart breaking and upsetting.  I’ve always had an odd relationship with my mother.  My therapist thinks she’s a border line personality for what’s that worth.  She’s always viewed her life as being miserable regardless of her actual circumstances.  From the earliest time I can remember I felt like it was my job to make her happy.  An impossible job but there you have it.

Last Spring she took a couple of falls and ended up breaking a couple of ribs.  That’s when the shit really hit the fan.  She ended up in the hospital.  They kept her in a room where someone stays all day to watch the patients in case they try to get up on their own or escape or something.  She was pretty disoriented.  Then I came to see her the next day and she was completely hallucinating.  She didn’t seem to really even know I was there, certainly didn’t know where she was and kept yelling to someone “open the door” and acting like she had keys and was unlocking a door.  Over and over and over again.  She was very angry and kept yelling “open the door. Open the fucking door.  I’m going to hit you if you don’t open the door.”  It was very, very disturbing.

Turned out she was dehydrated (which is common in elderly people) and it caused the hallucinations.  I spoke with the doctor who informed me that she really couldn’t live on her own anymore.  And I now felt completely overwhelmed.  I’d have to figure it all out.  Where should she go, close up her apartment, everything.  Plus the emotional aspect was huge.  I had always had a parental role with my mother but now I was making all her life choices.  Fortunately, my wonderful daughter, took two weeks off work and flew down to help.  And my son, who lives here, pitched in as well.

First, I found a nursing home near my home where she could stay while she recovered from her fall.  We identified a small company that would take all my mother’s possessions and figure out where to sell them and get the best price.  Then the arduous task of going through her apartment and packing stuff up.  For the most part it wasn’t too bad except things were stuffed in all sorts of weird places.  Kind of disturbing.  She had always been so meticulous about keeping her records and such.  Now I was finding papers from 2008 stuffed hither and yon.

Once she was in the nursing home I proceeded to try and figure out the longer term solution.  Through the nursing home I was put in touch with a lovely woman who acts as a kind of broker who helps you find placement for people.  We ended up finding a wonderful board-and-care residence not too far away and affordable.  After a couple of months in the nursing home I took my mother to her new home.  There were many upsetting details that occurred but she’s there now.

She keeps declining.  When I first heard Alzheimer’s I thought “okay…she’s forgetful…I’ll just remind her of stuff.”  But it’s not that.  They don’t call it dementia lightly.  It’s not just that she can’t remember things for more than a few minutes anymore (although there will be the odd bit or thing she’ll hold onto) she has all sorts of delusions persistent and transitory.  Often when I talk to or see her she’ll say something like “I didn’t come down to see you feeding the baby this morning.”  a) She lives in a one floor place b) the baby (as far as I can tell) is my granddaughter who c) lives with her parents.  She insists that children come into her room and fall asleep on the floor.  When I spoke with her one day and mentioned that I was tired she said “well, you just shoveled snow yesterday.”  We live in San Diego.

She barely remembers her previous residences.  Her most vivid (and I use the term loosely) concept is that she lives in Brooklyn in the house she (and I) grew up in.  She sold that house forty years ago.

My thoughts are filled with dread.  What part of her mind will crumble next?  Will she stop knowing me?  Will that be better (at least for her)?  How long can it go on? And what kind of daughter am I that I wish her a speedy end?

Here’s the thing.  If I don’t take care of myself NOW how mad am I going to be at myself later.  No one else can do it for me.  Not because they don’t care.  Not because they don’t want to.  Not because they don’t love you.  Nope.  Some things you just have to do by yourself, for yourself.

I look at my mom’s failing mind.  Failing health.  And it scares the CRAP out of me.  My thoughts are filled with death, disease, diminishment and debilitation.  The four D’s.

The only recourse is to figure out how to take care of myself as best I can now.  You can’t prevent life.  You can’t avoid it.  It will happen.  All you can do is do your best, for yourself, now.

So what the hell?!  Get the fuck up.  Go for a walk for godsakes.  Stop eating french fries.  Seriously.  They won’t make you feel better.  Stretch. Meditate.  Pay attention to every, single fucking day.  And for heaven’s sake be nice to yourself.  It’s okay.  You don’t have to lash yourself into doing.  Just do.  Or don’t.  This is IT.  THIS.  Right now.  THIS. IS. YOUR. LIFE.

Thanks to the prompting of a reader I am finally getting around to posting about my progress with hormone optimization and the other recommendations made by Cenegenics.

In short, things are great.   I am taking supplements and hormones that I believe are making a significant difference.  Based on the dietary recommendations I am closely following a low-glycemic eating plan and have lost 11 pounds in the first 4 weeks!  Also based on the recommendation of the nutritionist/trainer I am exercising 4 times per week…a big change for me.  I do interval training twice a week and high intensity resistance training twice a week with some cardio.  My perceived fitness has improved a lot.  I can tell in my daily life as well during workouts that my cardiovascular capability is improving and I’m definitely stronger.  I just feel more comfortable in my body.

Of course, since I’ve change three significant things (supplements, diet and exercise) it is difficult to ascribe which of these is the thing that’s making feel lots, lots better.  While I can see very direct evidence that the diet and exercise components are making a huge difference it’s harder to discern the effect of the supplements so directly.  Most of what I’m taking are specific vitamins and such along with some hormonal supplementation (estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, thyroid).

The personal coaching from “my” nutritionist has been phenomenal.  I send her a daily journal of my food intake everyday along with a personal journal of my feelings, thoughts, observations.  She always responds with encouragement and, when necessary, suggestions for modifications to what I’m doing.

Both the doctor and nutritionist are very responsive to my questions.  The doctor has made several adjustments and even prescribed, through my pharmacy, a topical anti-inflammatory gel that has really helped some tendinitis that I have experienced.  They both have assured me that this is just the beginning and that my full result…my “optimum” result…will take 9-12 months so I should just continue to feel better and better.

I certainly feel younger. I feel more alert, my concentration and focus are great.  And I continue to feel better week by week.

The only real drawback to Cenegenics is cost.  It’s (for me) an expensive proposition to pay for the supplements and their monthly fee.  My current feeling is that I will continue through my next blood panel and see what, if any, adjustments they recommend.  At that point I may have to evaluate whether to continue with them or try to find alternatives.

The on

After stopping the melatonin I am now feeling fantastic!  The first day after stopping the melatonin I woke up feeling different.  More energized and just really good. Since then (it’s actually only 4 days) I’ve continued to feel great.

I started my interval training on Wednesday.  As Jen recommended I got on the elliptical machine and (finally) have a use for my interval timer.  I set the intervals to 20 seconds/45 seconds.  I did a 5 minute warm-up then a cycle of 20 seconds high intensity (amped up the resistance and my speed)/45 seconds low intensity for three cycles.  Then 2 minutes of low intensity.  Rinse-and-repeat for 30 minutes.  I actually really enjoyed it.  You have to focus to kind of keep track of what you’re doing so it kind of takes your mind of the boredom of being on a machine.  I felt awesome afterwards.  Really energized and good.  I don’t remember every quite feeling that way after a workout…so cool.

I’ve since done one session of high-intensity resistance traning with some cardio and another session of interval training…this time running.  The running was fun too and again the interval thing made it more enjoyable for me.  For the high intensity part I tried to sprint as hard as I could (although Jen wanted me to keep my heart heart in a certain zone…really not a problem since I can’t really sprint that fast…yet).  Again I felt really excellent afterwards and still felt quite good for the rest of the day.  The kids were over with the grandkids and I had plenty of energy to plan and run around.  So much better!

I know that I am often very optimistic and kind of high at the beginning of things.  I really want to make a significant change in my life not just my weight.  I’m finding this whole combination of exercise, diet (which is working great too.  I’ll blog about separatetly) and supplements to already have made me feel lots better.  After I asked the doctor she indicated that it could take 9-12 months to get a “full” result.  I can’t wait to see what that’s going to feel like!

I’m now in week two of my Cenegenics directed hormone and supplement plan.  I have to say I’m now feeling pretty good.  I’m over my cold or allergies or whatever they were and, generally speaking, am feeling quite good.  Hard to know if it’s placebo effect or reality.  But does that really matter ultimately?  How you feel is the real measure.

Due the festivities around my mom’s 90th birthday this past weekend I’ve been pretty stressed and between that and the cold haven’t really worked out much.  My husband, daughter and I took a look walk in the canyon with lots of hills.  I felt strong (although a little cardio challenged occassionally) and enjoyed it.

I was planning on starting some interval training (as advised by Jen, my Cenegenics fitness trainer/nutritionist).  However, when I pulled into my driveway I felt so sleepy I thought “I’ll just close my eyes for a sec.”  Next thing I knew I was sound asleep and woke up (with my mouth hanging up…ick) about 15 minutes later.  That was a bit weird for me.  One of the things I hope to get from this program is increased energy but I’m not usually SO sleepy that I actually fall asleep.  Something similar happened the next day.  Late afternoon and I almost dropped off during a (boring) meeting.  Not like me.  I contacted my Cenegenics doctor and Jen.  The doctor advised that I stop taking my nighttime Melatonin (3 mg) and see if that’s what causing the sleepiness.  I’ll try that tonight although I will say I feel like I’ve been sleeping MUCH better but I’m taking so many things it’s hard to know what to attribute for that.

Also, I’ve been reading this really excellent book, The Power of Habits, about habits…how we get them and how to change them.  The book has some really interesting insights into how the brain forms habits and how one might influence that unconscious process to change one’s habits.  I definitely feel that’s what I need.  The book talks about the notion of “cues” that trigger an unconscious response.  For example, I noticed that as soon as I see food on a counter at home I feel an urge to have some.  I’m not hungry and, prior to seeing the thing, didn’t feel like eating.  As a result, I’ve resolved to keep things put away to avoid this “cue.”

I’m also thinking it’s important to take the notion of goals seriously.  In the past, I’ve made “committments” to doing things (exercise, eating better, etc.) but they were easily ignored.  The weren’t “real” commitments…more vague aspirations I suppose.  Realizing this here are my goals for the next two weeks:

• Interval training – minimum twice/week
• Strength training – 2/week
• Journal all food consumption
• Do some art thing every day (draw, paint, plan a project, sew something, practice quilting)

I don’t want to make too many commitments.  But these should be a good start.  I’ll try to post progress about them to help me keep them in the forefront of my mind and establish these things as routines.

I can’t seem to go to any site that has anything to do with health, fitness or aging without seeing an ad for Cenegenics.  Needless to say their strategy worked and I clicked on one of the ads.  Because who can resist seeing that picture of Dr. Life…I mean c’mon…a 72 year-old hot body?  Wow.

And so, my journey begins.

I clicked the ad and, feeling a little trepidation about giving my contact details, signed up to receive more information.  Within a short time I received an email from Dr. Weiss introducing himself and suggesting that we talk by phone.  I was busy and was feeling a little silly for trying yet another way to feel and look better.  The truth is that I feel somewhat obsessed with the whole aging process…and how to mitigate it. Probably my mother’s struggle with aging and, now, Alzheimer’s is a big influence. 

Part of me feels that I shouldn’t care about how I look.  I am a woman in her sixties.  I should be okay with that.  I’m told I look quite good for a woman of such advanced years which I, naturally, have a lot of trouble believing.  On top of that, I’ve gained 10-15 pounds in the last year and am the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life.  Not helping.  I was listening to a book and this phrase came up “she was an old woman of 60.”  Shit.  I do not feel like an old woman.  I’m afraid to be an old woman.  I want to accept being an old woman.  No, not just accept, I want to enjoy being an old woman!

Hence, Cenegenics.  I ignored the email.  I figured it would just be a sales pitch of some sort.  Then Dr. Weiss called me.  When I saw the number on my cell I didn’t know who it was but I was expecting a call so I answered.  Dr. Weiss was lovely.  He asked some questions about my health, fitness, etc.  Was quite nice when he tactfully explained that I would be considered “obese.”  (And if that’s not a scary, upsetting word…I don’t know what is.)  Then he explained the focus of the Cenegenics practice.  Basically, the idea is to evaluate your body chemistry (i.e., hormones, blood levels, etc.) and then help you through pharma- and nutri-ceuticals to restore your chemistry to a younger state.  By doing this, he explained, I would not only look better but actually feel better.  Since I read a lot about aging what he was saying made a lot of sense.

He explained that if I signed up for their program it would start with a very complete evaluation.  First, there would be an extensive blood panel.  Then I would go to one of their centers (they have seven) and would have a full day evaluation of fitness, body fat, etc.  Then a 2 or so hour consultation with the doctor who would likely recommend various things to get me back to where I want to be.  Once I got over the sticker shock I signed up.

Within a short time I received a couple of emails from personnel at Cenegenics and, specifically, the Los Angeles center that I would be visiting.  A few days later I was contacted to schedule someone coming to my home (or office) to draw blood for the chemistry panel.  I also received a variety of forms to fill out regarding my health, medical history and  lifestyle.

The technician arrived promptly and drew 7 vials of blood!  Apparently, they’re not kidding when they say they’re going to check everything your blood can tell them!  Then the very nice technician said, “okay…just need a urine sample.”  

“Uh oh,” I thought.  The appointment was fairly early (at least, for me) and, of course, I peed upon waking.  So I had nothin’.  He was very patient as I tried chugging down water and trying to eek out the small sample needed.  Nothing.  I asked if I could bring the sample somewhere?  He said, “I can come back and pick it up.”  Wow.  I had to go to work so I asked if I could leave it by the door (feeling kind of idiotic but when you’re dry you’re dry)?  “Sure,” he said.  Wow…again.

After more drinking and a small mishap spilling some of the “sample” as I was transferring it (per instructions) from the catcher jar into the sample vial I finally had enough to come up to the line indicated.  Phew!  I placed the vial in a plastic bag, set it out at my front door and left for work.

The appointment at the Los Angelese facility (which was scheduled during my original first call with Dr. Weiss) is next Monday.  Since I live in San Diego, I’ll drive up to LA and stay with my son on Sunday.  I am probably overly optimistic about what they’ll be able to do for me but it’ll be nice to hang out with Grant and Amy in any event.

There’s part of me that feels like I’m fighting uphill.  That I should just learn to accept the natural progression.  But what the heck!  I’m not ready to give up quite yet!

I haven’t blogged in a while and lots has happened.  I thought since I’ve started on the Cenegenics path I’d use it as a jumping off point to start blogging again with the ostensible purpose of documenting what I experience.  Along the way I hope to share more of what I’m up to, what’s going on in my life and generally enjoy capturing my thoughts and feelings.